Sometimes the way other people show their affection isn’t the way we want them to show it. They invite us to dinner and we think they are making demands of us. They point out our good qualities and we believe they are making fun of us.
These kinds of distorted thoughts are the result of a self-centered attitude, and we need to call it for what it is.–Thubten Chodron, “Accept the Love of Others,” Awaken Every Day: 365 Buddhist Reflections to Invite Mindfulness and Joy
The Art of Giving
Giving is the low-hanging fruit of “the holiday season” so I’ve already covered what to give co-workers in Gift of Thank You! and what to give everyone else in Thoughtful Giving. But a recent conversation with a longtime friend and a newsletter from a longtime Buddhist teacher got me thinking about the less straightforward challenge of receiving.
Catching Up
I don’t celebrate birthdays but sometimes use these arbitrary dates as a reminder to check in with others who do. When a longtime friend completed her annual solar circuit, I sent her an email and suggested we get together for a Zoom call. We’d heard from her brother that since last we talked she broke up with a longtime boyfriend, moved from New York to Seattle, was living with her aging mother who’d moved up from Monterey, and left her high-powered corporate job.
Updating Associations
In her reply email, she mentioned that she thought of me when seeing the musical Hadestown. She couldn’t get over how a show so bad had won so many Tony Awards. Out of curiosity, I listened to the show on YouTube at 2X speed to get the suffering over quickly. Though I haven’t paid attention to musicals for over a decade, I could still pinpoint what had made it so bad AND why it had won so many Tony Awards. I didn’t fault her for not knowing my change of heart on musicals. It was all part of catching up.
Lost in Translation
When it came to sharing how her relationship with her long-time boyfriend went south, during the Zoom call, The Five Love Languages was invoked.
Both of them were highly paid executives and her boyfriend’s love language was giving expensive gifts. This didn’t register with her at all.
He tried to get her to read the book. She did but concluded it wasn’t based on science.
The two had fundamentally different ideas about how to show affection. He apparently felt misunderstood, found someone who understood his language, packed up, and moved out. She was left asking, “How could someone do that?
Love Language Translator
Though the five love languages are made up, they can help me interpret ways people were trying to show me love, care, or concern.*
A co-worker tells me I did a great job on a project that I thought was just average.
Translation: Giver appreciates Words of Affirmation.
Someone in my meditation group sees I broke my foot and offers to come over and mow the lawn. I decline because we have a lawn service.
Translation: Giver appreciates Acts of Service.
Elizabeth’s old college roommate keeps sending a box full of presents on her birthday and Christmas.
Translation: Giver enjoys Receiving Gifts.
I send an email with a suggestion that it’s well past time we get caught up with a Zoom call.
Translation: I value Quality Time.
Can’t figure out for the life of me why someone gave me a gift certificate for a massage?
Translation: Giver appreciates Physical Touch.
Feeling Alone or Unloved
I attended a weekly Authentic Portland Zoom call during much of the COVID epidemic and observed that most people on the call felt no one understood them. They felt isolated, unloved, and alone. It was so common that many people could only bear to join the call once. Seeing so many people nod in agreement with what they thought to be their unique sorrows gave them the cognitive dissonance of feeling understood.
One of the memorable quotes I copied from Byron Katie’s Loving What Is, is this:
If I had a prayer, it would be this: “God spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.”
When I’m feeling isolated or unloved, I can think of all the misguided ways people tried to reach out to me.
Or, since I once followed musicals, I can listen to this song.
PS: Writing this post reminded me of O. Henry’s story of holiday gift-giving gone awry, “The Gift of the Magi.” Read by Julie Harris. Read by you. Spoiler alert: this one has a happy ending, but could just as easily have led to divorce.
*B.S. (as opposed to P.S.) Sam called B.S. on my hypothesis that we can learn about other people’s love languages by what they try to give us. Oops.
