Category: well-being

Easy-to-use articles and exercises to improve your state of well-being 10 minutes at a time.

Thoughtful Giving

On Black Friday I completed my holiday shopping. I didn’t buy anything. We enjoyed the physical and mental health benefits of taking a walk in a lovely nature park we’d never been to before.

I don’t have any children (so there’s no social pressure), my parents have passed away, and I have an understanding with my brother and my partner that I don’t exchange Christmas gifts.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t do gifts. I don’t engage in compulsory consumption. Buying gifts between Black Friday and December 25 can often lead to wastefulness, greed, envy, and resentment.

The Wrong Gift

When I was a little boy, nothing drove home the downside of this compulsory giving like my Grandma saying, “You can always return it if you don’t like it,” before I could even get the wrapping paper off her gift. At the time I hadn’t mastered the fake enthusiasm necessary to convince someone that I loved their taste in sweaters.

But, it seems we never managed the trek downtown to exchange the unliked gift for something I actually wanted. Instead, the sweater got shoved in a drawer. Mom’s motto was, “It’s the thought that counts.”

Mom was right. But, unfortunately, the thought was, “I have to get my grandson something for Christmas. I have no idea what he wants or needs. Screw it. I’ll get this sweater.”

There were three kinds of presents that disappointed me on Christmas morning. When I got what I asked for, it wasn’t as amazing as it had looked on TV. When I got what I didn’t ask for, I felt deprived of the thing that I really wanted. Perhaps the most devastating of all was when I got the wrong brand or model of the thing that I’d asked for. This would disappoint me both in the present and in the future by thwarting me from making the request again because I “already had one.”

Assuming that it’s the thought that counts, how should we think about gift giving so that the thought isn’t depressing?

Jean Franzblau of Cuddle Santuary recently posted, “How to Use Love Languages for Holiday Gift Giving,” which suggests some ways to make your thoughts count.

Though I wince at the phrase “love languages,” there is some evidence that these categories of giving can boost one’s mental well-being.

Ten Minute Exercise

1. Set a timer for ten minutes.

2. Jot down a list of names of people with whom you exchange gifts.

• For each person on your list, come up with an admirable quality you’ve observed in them and write down a few words to express your appreciation. Tell them in whatever way seems most appropriate: in person, over the phone, via text message, or online.

Since there’s no cost, you don’t have to be budget conscious with this one. You don’t have to limit it to the holidays either.

• For each person on your list, ask yourself whether there’s an act of service you could perform that would make their life easier.

Perhaps a friend could really use an evening out and needs a babysitter, or a pet sitter, a lawn mowed, or something that aligns with one of your particular skill sets.

• For each person on your list who enjoys receiving gifts, ask yourself whether an experience or a physical good would be more appropriate.

Sometimes a meal at a nice restaurant, tickets to a concert, sporting event or other cultural event can have more lasting value. Sometimes baking cookies or knitting a pair of socks (risky unless they pick out the yarn and pattern) might work.   

To make this revenue neutral, find something that you’ve gotten the use out of and sell it online.

It feels good to de-clutter.     

• For each person on your list, ask yourself whether they’d enjoy some good quality time with you.

Sometimes just putting away all devices and distractions and giving someone your undivided attention can be an amazing gift.

• For each person on your list, ask yourself whether they’d enjoy a nice back rub, foot massage, or cuddle.

First, this idea will seem absurd or wildly inappropriate for some people on your list, so it might make you laugh.

Second, touch can help produce the hormone oxytocin, which eases anxiety, and makes one feel connected. It can be a natural, organic antidepressant.

(If you want to give yourself this gift and are drawing blanks on who to get a hug from, you can see if there’s a professional cuddler or community cuddle event in your area.)

3. Don’t exclude yourself from this list. Self-care is important during the holidays. Ask yourself which of these ways is most appropriate for meeting your own needs. Don’t be afraid to ask for (or give yourself) what you really want.

4. When the timer sounds, allow yourself to sigh with relief or give yourself a pat on the back for finishing your gift list.

Thankless-giving vs. Genuine Gratitude

Gratitude is a highly effective antidote to negative moods and mind-states. But, when we’re expected to be grateful for things we’re not, it can backfire.

No Gratitude For Me

Forced Gratitude

When I was six years old (and couldn’t get out of it) Thanksgiving meant my older brother and I would have to put on our church clothes and visit my grandfather’s sister’s house. Our orders were to be on our best behavior, which meant, no “rough-housing.”

Upon arrival we would run the gauntlet of inspection by the grown-ups we referred to as “Aunt” or “Uncle” fudging our actual relativity on the family tree. They’d show the extent of their interest in us by saying such things as:

“Look how tall you’ve grown.”

“How old are you now?”

“What grade are you in?”

“My, you look handsome in your red blazer.”

Then we would descend to the finished basement to listen to our stomachs growl. We’d been admonished earlier not to spoil our appetite.

The adults drank cocktails, which made them loud. Visibility grew fuzzy as the room filled with cigarette and cigar smoke. My eyes began to tear. I would ask my mom for an asthma pill, which slowed my respiration and increased my heartbeat. I took these pills only as necessary because it made for a calm but sleepless night.

Once the turkey was on the buffet table, we’d line up to fill our plates. Mom would call me out for trying to load up on stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and Jello mold. I had to take some turkey and a few other non-negotiable items.

We were then reminded not to get food on our blazers, shirts, or pants, and released to the “kids’ table.” Keeping stain free wasn’t easy. Due to the demographics of the extended family, and the uneven legs of the rickety card table, keeping all food on the plate until it reached the mouth was not a given. We sat in proximity to children just old enough to attempt eating without parental supervision so long as they wore a bib. My brother and me were the only ones in the high single digits, having just enough dignity to resent sitting “at the baby table.” Then there were the disgruntled low double-digit agers: too young to sit with the grown-ups, too old to sit with us. Table talk was strained at best.

Before we could “dig in,” we had to wait for someone to say grace, which meant we starved waiting for everyone to fill their plates and find their seats. We usually polished off the main course in seven minutes. Then the wait would begin for dessert.

Ninety-seven minutes later (ninety minutes of wait time, seven minutes of pie wolfing) came the first gratitude of the evening.

“May we be excused?”

We got to flee upstairs to watch over-the-air broadcast TV. The hosts didn’t watch much TV, and consequently had a poor antenna set-up. It was a challenge coming up with a least objectionable program for a demographic of 4-to-13-year-olds, especially when only a couple stations came in without interference.

My brother and I later gained control of channel selection through troop attrition, but we weren’t thankful. The other kids got to go home before we did. We would take turns braving the cacophonous, smoke-filled basement between shows (if the program was decent) or during commercials (if the program was not).

“When are we leaving?”

“Soon.”

I experienced one more moment of gratitude during those Thanksgivings. It was the moment when we stepped out of the house into the bracing air, carrying leftovers, as we made our escape.

The Unintended Consequences of Forced Gratitude

My takeaways from that Thanksgiving:

  1. We should only give thanks once a year.
  2. We should be grateful for things we don’t like.
  3. Not feeling truly thankful for the things that made others thankful made me a bad person.
Looking Back

Today, it’s easy for me to understand why an introverted asthmatic who didn’t enjoy starving and binging would not be grateful for such a Thanksgiving experience.

Decades later, while watching a home movie of one of those celebrations with my significant other, I narrated which relatives and family friends had died from smoking-related cancers, which ones died from alcohol-related illness. It was easy to spot the ones whose lives were cut short through obesity.

Depressing.

Three Good Things

I don’t know if my attitude toward gratitude ever would have changed if I hadn’t come across an exercise called “Three Good Things” twice within one week while taking courses in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction and The Science of Happiness.

The neuroscience from the stress reduction side made sense. Taking ten minutes at the end of the day to focus on three things that went well, and writing about why they went well, gives us ten minutes building up the pleasure or contentment circuitry of the brain.

From the positive psychology side, spending ten minutes focusing on things that went well and why helps override our tendency toward hedonic adaptation: taking good things for granted. It also gives us a break from our evolutionary negativity bias, which prioritizes fearing death over loving life.

Reframing Gratitude

Trying to force ourselves to feel gratitude for things we don’t like can quickly lead to increased negativity. Reinforcing the habit of looking for three things that went well can help strengthen a positive outlook.

Looking back at my Thanklessgiving scenario:

1. Thanksgiving was the start of a four-day weekend. Toughing out the forced thankfulness event without tearing or staining my good clothes was a small price to pay for relative freedom during the rest of the time off.

2. That moment of escape, when our parents finally acquiesced to our request to go home, really felt liberating. It paid to be persistent in requesting parole.

3. The leftovers were pretty good. Our reward for braving the whole expedition was that we generally got to take home things that we liked, which we could actually enjoy at home.

Exercise

The Greater Good Science Center’s instructions for the Three Good Things exercise, recommend trying “Three Good Things” every day for a week.

Because it’s more important to actually try the exercise than to use the ten minutes as an excuse to put it off, I’ve developed an express version for my own use.

  1. Take a minute or two to reflect on three moments (either expected or unexpected) that evoked a feeling of satisfaction today.
  2. Write down a few words or sentences to help fix each moment clearly in memory.
  3. Reflect on the causes and conditions that led to the moment.

If step one seems challenging at first, and only negative thoughts come up, you can start with negative things that didn’t happen.

“The device I’m reading this on didn’t break today. I’m glad that the people who designed it made it somewhat durable.”

“I was able to find enough food today. I have no idea how many people were involved in growing it, shipping it, selling it, but I was able to get it.”

“The electricity was out for seven hours today. Wow, am I thankful for the utility workers who got it back up and running.”

Writing these events down with sufficient detail to jog your memory gives you something you can access to arrest and/or recover from a negative mind loop when your brain is telling you nothing good ever happens.

Whether you spend ten minutes or two minutes on this exercise, doing it before you go to sleep will give your brain a chance to incorporate it into your overall worldview. This makes it easier to notice these moments of satisfaction when they arise, and give us greater awareness of the things we can do to bring them about.

A Friendly Antidote to Depression

The topic of an antidote to depression came up on a recent episode of the 10% Happier with Dan Harris podcast in a friendly way. Here’s a paraphrased-condensed version of what caught my ear when broadcast journalist Harris asked guest Andrew Scheffer what the most beneficial part of his meditation was.

Andrew Scheffer: When we lose our happiness, when we become overwhelmed with anger, or frustration, or sadness, I had never been taught a method to recover from that.

And so, all of a sudden, I started seeing there were things that I  could do with my mind that would help me avoid those dramas. And, if I did get caught up in a spell of something, I had a means that I could actually overcome it. That’s empowering.

I can suffer from depression at times and I know there’s something I can do to overcome depression. That is incredibly liberating rather than just feeling like you’re always a victim to this state of mind that can come.

Dan Harris: I suffer from depression occasionally too. So what do you do when depression descends.

Scheffer: I’ve had many years of investigating my mind at times when it’s depressed, and seeing what those variable emotions that arise together are, and so I recognize it now.

There’s also just been a shift in my whole relationship to things. Sadness or loneliness, the depth of those emotions that used to arise don’t arise to that extent anymore.

There’s been a diminishment in their strength, and it’s very heartening to know that there are practices that I can do that will overcome those. It’s not just waiting for them to go away. There’s an antidote to them.

Harris: Can you take me into how that works, the antidote?

Scheffer: Using the practices of loving-kindness and mindfulness. Those two practices for me are very helpful in challenging physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain that comes up. Loving-kindness can soften or strengthen my mind or provide some peace within very difficult emotional or physical circumstances, and mindfulness has that cutting through power.

Inward Friendliness.

I was introduced to the loving-kindness or metta exercise as a series of recitations that helped the mind relax into a state suitable for concentration. The teacher Henepola Gunaratana translated metta as loving-friendliness. Since “loving” can come with so many connotations, I’m happy to refer to it as the friendly intention exercise.

There are many versions of suggested friendly intentions. For the sake of illustration, I currently use these.

May I be well, happy, and peaceful.

May my compassionate efforts always meet with success. 

May I have the patience, courage, understanding, and determination to meet and overcome the inevitable difficulties, problems, and failures in life.

May I always rise above them with ethics, integrity, forgiveness, awareness, and wisdom.

The first round of friendly intentions are directed toward the self because in the culture where the practice originated, the idea of low self-esteem was unheard of. I’m skeptical about starting here when dealing with depression, but see its potential value as a speed bump if one can be aware of a negative thought spiral arising and use it as a cue to recollect these intentions instead. Friendly intentions toward oneself can gradually re-wire the brain’s negative self-talk circuitry.

Outward Friendliness.

The second round extends the friendly intentions to a close friend or family member.

May you be well, happy, and peaceful.

May your compassionate efforts always meet with success. 

May you have the patience, courage, understanding, and determination to meet and overcome the inevitable difficulties, problems, and failures in life.

May you always rise above them with ethics, integrity, forgiveness, awareness, and wisdom.

When negative self-talk makes it hard to believe these friendly intentions toward oneself, directing them to someone close to us may be an easier starting point. Plus, it gives the depressed or anxious brain a respite from focusing on the sticky situation that the self is currently facing.

The third round extends these intentions to casual acquaintances or strangers. By extending our friendly intentions to them, we no longer see them as neutral non-entities. Thinking of these casual acquaintances or strangers as we would a friend can make us feel somewhat more connected.

The fourth round should make us want to cry foul. This is where we extend friendly intentions to the difficult people in our lives. People who frequently or always disagree with us. People who are mean to us. People who anger us. I know! That sounds insane. But, here’s an argument for why it isn’t.

There’s a popular adage that goes: hatred is a poison that you drink expecting someone else to die. The more science-based version of this adage is hatred raises cortisol levels, which can lead to heart disease, diabetes, dementia, cancer, and depression in you, while the object of your hatred remains healthy just to spite you.

In Dan Harris’s book, 10% Happier, my favorite chapter title is “The Self-Interested Case for Not Being a Dick.”

Harris cites a study of people who had practiced a version of the friendliness exercise where the subjects “released significantly lower doses of a stress hormone called cortisol. In other words, practicing compassion appeared to be helping their bodies handle stress in a better way.”

And…if that’s not enough…

“Brain scans showed that acts of kindness registered more like eating chocolate than, say, fulfilling an obligation. The same pleasure centers lit up when we received a gift as when we donated to charity.”

Universal Friendliness.

If extending friendly intentions to difficult people struck me as challenging, the final step, extending friendly intentions toward everyone sounded too cosmic. But, it actually lends some perspective on how to incorporate these intentions into one’s life, which can be especially helpful when feeling isolated.

Re-wiring our brains to acknowledge that we’re not alone in our challenges can help us feel more connected. When we feel slighted, it makes understanding and forgiveness easier, which, again, benefits us. We’re not bad people. We’re just going through a difficult time.

A pitfall to avoid as a friendly intention newbie is to allow this internal attitude to radically change our outward behavior while we’re finding our sea legs. There’s nothing easier to spot than an insincere smile. We’re all conditioned to be wary when strangers are too friendly.

Changing mental habits takes time. And to take the time we need to build a habit, we have to have some confidence that the habit we’re trying to create is useful. Many of us divert ourselves with other people’s struggles by watching a TV show, or movie, or sports to relieve stress. This helps us put our own troubles on hold for a while. Developing this mental habit, systematically widening our circle of friendly intentions can work in a similar real-world way.

Showing Up for Well-Being

In the past seven days, I showed up at three different social events posted on meetup.com so that I could write about the challenge of showing up and why that challenge was so essential to my sense of well-being.

The first event was Social Club, which is an opportunity to engage in open, honest communication. Each person shares a bit about what’s going on in their life. If it’s something they’re struggling with, they can request feedback.

In everyday conversation, since I have a writer’s mind, I have a tendency to listen until I know what the topic is, sort through my mental file cabinet of opinions on that topic until I have a response, and then wait, often impatiently, to express that opinion. In order to “show up” for social club, I have to turn off my internal response composer.

I also find it challenging to share my “struggles” because a good part of my work these days involves writing exercises to teach people to handle struggles on their own. While this group gives me insight into what others struggle with, it’s sometimes a struggle for me to see things as a struggle.

The following day, I cobbled together the essay “How to Tap Into Our Hard-Wired Happiness” based on ideas from Srikumar S. Rao’s Are You Ready to Succeed? Unconventional strategies for achieving personal mastery in business and life, and headed over to my “writing critique” group.

Since I’m much more comfortable offering up my writing for feedback than my struggles, the challenge here had to do with other people showing up. At the time I headed out for the meetup, only one other person had RSVP’d. Two of the regulars had left comments that they would not be coming.

I appreciated the irony. The gist of the essay had to do with giving up fixed notions about outcomes and focusing exclusively on intentions. My intention was to run these words by the group to get their response. I had no control over the outcome of even one other person showing up.

As it turned out, three others showed up, they all found the discussion topic useful. One of the participants, a psychotherapist, took a couple notes on ideas she could use with her clients. I got another real-world data point about the benefits of focusing on intentions instead of outcomes.

I didn’t sleep well the night before my third social event of the week, “mindfulness meditation and discussion.” The challenge of showing up involved dragging my butt out of bed and staying awake to time the sitting and walking meditation.

I didn’t have the energy to think about the outcome, but my intention for the essay was to spark an interesting discussion that would resonate with whoever else showed up. In addition to the semi-regular attendees, three first-timers arrived having found the group through meetup.com and the discussion flowed quite freely with no additional prompting on my part.

Showing up for the three events gave me practice at coping with the normal stresses of life (focusing on the intention and not the outcome), gave me some indication that my work had been fruitful (several people had found some value in the ideas I’d cobbled together) and the combination of their showing up and my showing up gave me an ability to make a contribution to my community. All of the above are factors that help one achieve a state of well-being.