On two successive Friday evenings I found myself lured toward depression by an inner voice that sounded very much like self compassion. My challenges on these two evenings helped me recognize the importance of spotting depression’s early warning signs and developing strategies to keep the beast at bay.
Baby, It’s Cold Outside
I try to walk 10,000 steps a day. A week ago Friday, I logged half those steps on a lunchtime walk with my partner. She planned to walk to a yoga class in the evening, so I decided to go with her to get my remaining steps.
About an hour before she left, the sky grew dark. It started to rain. The wind whipped up. She decided that she would drive to yoga instead. And my pseudo-compassionate inner voice told me that I should stay home. It was wet and blustery outside. Why not stay where it’s dry and cozy?
I’m Too Tired
On the second Friday, my partner had plans to join a friend to see Oregon Ballet Theatre’s The Nutcracker. I was happy that she was going, and happier that I wasn’t.
When a friend called to ask if I wanted to go get happy hour fish ‘n chips at a nearby Irish pub, I said I would pass. I genuinely wasn’t in the mood for happy hour.
The Dark Night of the Soul
In both cases it took me a while to realize that something was awry. I wasn’t behaving as I normally would. I’m good about getting my steps in. I’m up for a spontaneous happy hour. So, what was going on?
I’ve often heard depression described as the dark night of the soul. And, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that these two whisperings came on two of the longest Friday nights of the year.
My biological sleep timer releases melatonin at sunset to cue me that bedtime is approaching. I have no problem taking a walk at this hour most of the year. I have no problem accepting a happy hour invitation if there’s a trace of sunlight. On days when the sun never truly rises, and sets by 4:30 p.m., it’s a different story.
If I didn’t know that exercise and spending time with others were the most effective ways to combat depression, I might have given in to that voice.
But, because I knew the inner voice was singing a siren’s song, I declined its advice.
On the first Friday, I put on my rain gear and braved the night. The walk turned out to be lovely. It stopped raining, the wind died down, the air was fresh, and the holiday lights reflected on the damp pavement were lovely.
On the second Friday, I changed my mind and told my friend I’d go. We walked over to the local Irish pub. The happy hour fish ‘n chips and Guinness were delicious. My friend is one of the only people in my life willing to discuss politics. It was fun.
The Holiday Cure
It’s no coincidence that we in the Northern Hemisphere have packed so many holiday celebrations around the longest night of the year. We string up colorful lights to compensate for the darkness and the absence of autumn leaves. We practice generosity by exchanging gifts. We get together with family and friends. We overeat to pack on the fat to help keep us warm.
Unfortunately, since all of these antidotes to the winter doldrums are artificial, some of us don’t respond to them. Somehow, all the things we’re told we should do to be joyful only make us feel more alone.
Lost in Translation
For me, showing love for others by giving and receiving gifts got shelved during my years in retail advertising. I lived with Christmas six months a year. I witnessed little generosity, lots of stress and greed. I can still recall the ghost of one Christmas past when an art director friend, who, after working sixteen hour days for twenty-one days in a row dropped dead on her Monday morning bus ride. Ho ho ho.
Since this seemed to be the only love language my family spoke, I felt alone, and guilty for feeling alone.
I didn’t know that there were four other love languages, according to Gary Chapman, that spoke to me.
Ten Minute Exercise
If the traditional prescriptions for getting through these long winter nights don’t resonate, gift yourself ten minutes to consider whether one (or more) of these prescriptions does.
1. Words of Affirmation
I wrote about my thank you experiment in my previous post. By continuing to give thanks to the people in my life, I’ve been receiving all the words of affirmation I could ask for.
2. Quality Time
I spoke to a woman at a Solsara Introduction Meetup who had ditched her office holiday party in favor of an evening of exercises in authentic, mindful communication. She was surprised how much difference sustained eye contact and attention to her breathing and internal emotions made in the quality of communication.
3. Acts of Service
I volunteered to lead a discussion for my meditation group on the work of Byron Katie. I was surprised how open everyone was about sharing beliefs that caused them stress, and how eager they were to work through that stress together.
Volunteering is a wonderful way to receive while giving.
4. Physical Touch
A 20-second hug is the fastest relief I’ve found for counteracting depression and anxiety.
This is something you definitely should try at home if you have a consensual partner. If you don’t, seek out group cuddles, a professional cuddler, or a Swedish massage.
Oh, and don’t forget to exercise.