“Knowing our Tendency can help us set up situations in the ways that make it more likely that we’ll achieve our aims. We can make better decisions, meet deadlines, meet our promises to ourselves, suffer less stress, and engage more deeply with others.” – Gretchen Rubin
Since we’re living in the midst of a global pandemic, there was never a question whether I would write about COVID-19 anxiety, but how I would write about it.
The answer: with a little help from Gretchen Rubin, who is “known for her ability to distill and convey complex ideas with humor and clarity in a way that’s accessible to a wide audience.”
I laughed more while reading her book The Four Tendencies than at any comedy series I’ve seen in recent years. Its insights into human nature are so spot on.
She writes, “We all face two kinds of expectations—outer expectations (meet work deadlines, answer a request from a friend) and inner expectations (keep a New Year’s resolution, start meditating). Our response to expectations determines our “Tendency”—that is, whether we fit into the category of Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel.”
In this time of worldwide uncertainty, let’s see if we can use it to “suffer less stress, and engage more deeply with others.”
If you’re not certain of your tendency, click here to take the quiz.
Obligers Need Outer Accountability
Obligers meet outer expectations (work deadlines, answering a request from a friend) but are challenged by inner expectations (keeping a New Year’s resolution, starting a meditation practice).
They are likely to do well with all of the outer expectations recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The challenge obligers most likely face is the inner expectation of managing anxiety and stress.
I spoke to an obliger friend on the phone yesterday. We were scheduled to meet in a city park where we could enjoy some Vitamin D producing sunshine, get some exercise, and have a conversation while maintaining the appropriate social distancing. He was too anxious to leave his apartment.
I disclosed that I’m a member of the high-risk group because I have asthma, but I feel it’s more important than ever to remain physically and emotionally healthy. Outdoor exercise is ideal for that.
We laughed a lot during the phone conversation, also good for boosting the immune system, and agreed to touch base next week.
Fellow Obligers, Upholders, Questioners and Rebels can all be accountability partners to help Obligers manage stress.
Upholders Need to Know the Rules
Upholders meet both outer expectations and inner expectations. To the extent that they have clear rules about what to do, (like the CDC instructions above) they’ll follow them.
The challenge upholders most likely face is disruption to routine.
On Monday, March 16, my partner and I had tickets for an Oregon Symphony concert. On Thursday, March 12, I learned that all March Oregon Symphony concerts had been canceled.
As a writer, I’m used to scrapping my first idea when it doesn’t pan out, so I found a live performance of the piece by the featured artists from the canceled symphony concert on YouTube. We heard the same music, by the same performers, in concert, via video.
Upholders sometimes have trouble thinking outside the box when schedules change, but Obligers, Questioners, and Rebels, who are more used to changing plans, can offer alternate solutions.
Questioners Need Reasons
Questioners meet inner expectations and outer expectations only if they make sense. I am a Questioner.
Before I read Mark Manson’s article “Things Are Not As They Seem,” I wasn’t sure whether the COVID-19 scare was as big a deal as the media made it out to be or just a really bad flu.
His blog post explained that it was both.
On a personal level, I should be extra vigilant and follow guidelines so as not to get or spread infection. On a societal level, the pandemic could overwhelm the healthcare system and create a worldwide economic depression.
Since the media tends to focus on the sensational, they are exacerbating the problem by fueling the exact anxiety and stress that weakens our immune system.
It made sense for me to follow social distancing recommendations, wash my hands, avoid touching my face, and continue exercising, meditating and other healthy practices, but not to dwell on the larger societal issues I could not control.
The information I’d share with my fellow Questioners is that our individual risk is low if we follow the guidelines, but our social risks are high if we don’t.
Rebels Need Freedom to Choose
Rebels don’t meet inner or outer expectations.
While out walking, I happened upon a Rebel who was speaking to a neighbor about how this whole face touching thing was nonsense. He demonstrated his lack of fear by rubbing his hands over his face. The neighbor, whose wife was in a high risk group, looked horrified.
I spoke to the Rebel from a safe social distance, but didn’t mention that the reason for not touching your face with unwashed hands is that it’s easiest for coronavirus to enter the respiratory system through the eyes, nose, or mouth. That would have worked for a fellow Questioner, but not for a Rebel.
Gretchen Rubin suggests the way to persuade a rebel is to appeal to their values of freedom and self identity and to offer information, consequences, and choice.
To appeal to freedom, I might have tried:
“You know, if we don’t social distance, wash our hands, and avoid touching our faces, the next step is likely to be martial law. How might we avoid that?”
Rebels also hate being told what they can’t do. “I’ll bet that you can’t avoid touching your face without washing your hands or remember to cover your coughs for 24 hours, let alone fifteen days.”
Rebels also love choice. “The only three ways I can think of to deal with possibly contaminated surfaces are hand sanitizer, hand washing, and using disposable tissues or towels to touch things with. Can you think of other ways to tackle that problem?”
Twenty Second Exercise
The Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris podcast posted an episode entitled “How to Handle Coronavirus Anxiety.”
Two 20-second practices mentioned on that episode, can help us stay safer.
Washing Our Hands for Twenty Seconds:
To time your hand washing, try reciting these friendly sentences based on the World Health Organization’s definition of mental health:
May we be well in body, thoughts, and feelings.
May we face and cope with life’s inevitable stresses.
May we work productively to benefit ourselves and others.
May our actions contribute to our community.
Reason it works: Upholders will follow the rule. Obligers will do it for others. Questioners might appreciate that studies have shown metta (friendliness) practice makes us less anxious. Rebels: give it a try or come up with your own twenty-second habit-forming tool.
Twenty-Second Mindfulness of Facial Sensations
Notice how often you put your hand to your face. Bring awareness to the sensation that immediately precedes it.
When you notice an itch, turn your attention to the sensation for 20 seconds, or as long as it lasts, with genuine curiosity.
Use the time to reflect on whether you’ve washed your hands since last touching a possibly contagious surface.
Reason it works: Upholders will follow the rule. Obligers will take care of themselves in order to protect their loved ones. Questioners will appreciate the reason for the pause. Rebels might enjoy the freedom this exercise gives them from a life long habit.
How to Do Social Distancing Correctly (8 minutes)
How to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19 (1 minute)