Four Tendencies Toward COVID-19

“Knowing our Tendency can help us set up situations in the ways that make it more likely that we’ll achieve our aims. We can make better decisions, meet deadlines, meet our promises to ourselves, suffer less stress, and engage more deeply with others.” – Gretchen Rubin

COVID-19 Anxiety

Since we’re living in the midst of a global pandemic, there was never a question whether I would write about COVID-19 anxiety, but how I would write about it.

The answer: with a little help from Gretchen Rubin, who is “known for her ability to distill and convey complex ideas with humor and clarity in a way that’s accessible to a wide audience.”

I laughed more while reading her book The Four Tendencies than at any comedy series I’ve seen in recent years. Its insights into human nature are so spot on.  

She writes, “We all face two kinds of expectations—outer expectations (meet work deadlines, answer a request from a friend) and inner expectations (keep a New Year’s resolution, start meditating). Our response to expectations determines our “Tendency”—that is, whether we fit into the category of Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel.”

In this time of worldwide uncertainty, let’s see if we can use it to “suffer less stress, and engage more deeply with others.”

If you’re not certain of your tendency, click here to take the quiz

Obligers Need Outer Accountability 

Obligers meet outer expectations (work deadlines, answering a request from a friend) but are challenged by inner expectations (keeping a New Year’s resolution, starting a meditation practice).

They are likely to do well with all of the outer expectations recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The challenge obligers most likely face is the inner expectation of managing anxiety and stress.

I spoke to an obliger friend on the phone yesterday. We were scheduled to meet in a city park where we could enjoy some Vitamin D producing sunshine, get some exercise, and have a conversation while maintaining the appropriate social distancing. He was too anxious to leave his apartment.  

I disclosed that I’m a member of the high-risk group because I have asthma, but I feel it’s more important than ever to remain physically and emotionally healthy. Outdoor exercise is ideal for that. 

We laughed a lot during the phone conversation, also good for boosting the immune system, and agreed to touch base next week.

Fellow Obligers, Upholders, Questioners and Rebels can all be accountability partners to help Obligers manage stress.

Upholders Need to Know the Rules

Upholders meet both outer expectations and inner expectations. To the extent that they have clear rules about what to do, (like the CDC instructions above) they’ll follow them. 

The challenge upholders most likely face is disruption to routine.

On Monday, March 16, my partner and I had tickets for an Oregon Symphony concert. On Thursday, March 12, I learned that all March Oregon Symphony concerts had been canceled.

As a writer, I’m used to scrapping my first idea when it doesn’t pan out, so I found a live performance of the piece by the featured artists from the canceled symphony concert on YouTube. We heard the same music, by the same performers, in concert, via video. 

Upholders sometimes have trouble thinking outside the box when schedules change, but Obligers, Questioners, and Rebels, who are more used to changing plans, can offer alternate solutions.  

Questioners Need Reasons

Questioners meet inner expectations and outer expectations only if they make sense. I am a Questioner.

Before I read Mark Manson’s article “Things Are Not As They Seem,” I wasn’t sure whether the COVID-19 scare was as big a deal as the media made it out to be or just a really bad flu.

His blog post explained that it was both. 

On a personal level, I should be extra vigilant and follow guidelines so as not to get or spread infection. On a societal level, the pandemic could overwhelm the healthcare system and create a worldwide economic depression.  

Since the media tends to focus on the sensational, they are exacerbating the problem by fueling the exact anxiety and stress that weakens our immune system. 

It made sense for me to follow social distancing recommendations, wash my hands, avoid touching my face, and continue exercising, meditating and other healthy practices, but not to dwell on the larger societal issues I could not control.

The information I’d share with my fellow Questioners is that our individual risk is low if we follow the guidelines, but our social risks are high if we don’t.

Rebels Need Freedom to Choose

Rebels don’t meet inner or outer expectations.

While out walking, I happened upon a Rebel who was speaking to a neighbor about how this whole face touching thing was nonsense. He demonstrated his lack of fear by rubbing his hands over his face. The neighbor, whose wife was in a high risk group, looked horrified.

I spoke to the Rebel from a safe social distance, but didn’t mention that the reason for not touching your face with unwashed hands is that it’s easiest for coronavirus to enter the respiratory system through the eyes, nose, or mouth. That would have worked for a fellow Questioner, but not for a Rebel.

Gretchen Rubin suggests the way to persuade a rebel is to appeal to their values of freedom and self identity and to offer information, consequences, and choice.

To appeal to freedom, I might have tried:  

“You know, if we don’t social distance, wash our hands, and avoid touching our faces, the next step is likely to be martial law. How might we avoid that?”

Rebels also hate being told what they can’t do. “I’ll bet that you can’t avoid touching your face without washing your hands or remember to cover your coughs for 24 hours, let alone fifteen days.”

Rebels also love choice. “The only three ways I can think of to deal with possibly contaminated surfaces are hand sanitizer, hand washing, and using disposable tissues or towels to touch things with. Can you think of other ways to tackle that problem?”

Twenty Second Exercise

The Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris podcast posted an episode entitled “How to Handle Coronavirus Anxiety.” 

Two 20-second practices mentioned on that episode, can help us stay safer. 

Washing Our Hands for Twenty Seconds:

To time your hand washing, try reciting these friendly sentences based on the World Health Organization’s definition of mental health: 

May we be well in body, thoughts, and feelings.

May we face and cope with life’s inevitable stresses.

May we work productively to benefit ourselves and others. 

May our actions contribute to our community.

Reason it works: Upholders will follow the rule. Obligers will do it for others. Questioners might appreciate that studies have shown metta (friendliness) practice makes us less anxious. Rebels: give it a try or come up with your own twenty-second habit-forming tool.

Twenty-Second Mindfulness of Facial Sensations

Notice how often you put your hand to your face. Bring awareness to the sensation that immediately precedes it.

When you notice an itch, turn your attention to the sensation for 20 seconds, or as long as it lasts, with genuine curiosity.

Use the time to reflect on whether you’ve washed your hands since last touching a possibly contagious surface. 

Reason it works: Upholders will follow the rule. Obligers will take care of themselves in order to protect their loved ones. Questioners will appreciate the reason for the pause. Rebels might enjoy the freedom this exercise gives them from a life long habit.

Bonus Materials:

How to Do Social Distancing Correctly (8 minutes)

How to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19 (1 minute)

Faith, Doubt, and Small Change

Any small change we make to treat depression has to be an act of faith because built into depression is doubt in its cure.

change
Faith Without Doubt

Before a Qigong/Tai Chi practice session last Thursday, the instructor asked me if I had other spiritual practices. I mentioned that I meditate daily and participate in a mindfulness discussion group on Saturday mornings. 

He said that he had been reading an article about one of the world’s major religious figures and was trying to understand the difference between faith and faith without doubt.

Though I couldn’t put the difference into words on the spot, it’s something that the authors of the original mindfulness manual had addressed as well.

The next day I took a shot at an answer. The instructor had done enough research on the work of Roger Jahnke to muster the faith he needed to give Integral Qigong and Tai Chi a try. As he practiced it, he experienced the benefits of the movements for himself. By the time he decided to train so that he could teach the technique, he had arrived at faith without doubt.

Doubt Without Faith

In The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time, Alex Korb writes, “The big problem with the downward spiral of depression is that it doesn’t just get you down, it keeps you down. All the life changes that could help your depression just seem too difficult. Exercise would help, but you don’t feel like exercising. Getting a good night’s sleep would help, but you’ve got insomnia. Doing something fun with friends would help, but nothing seems fun, and you don’t feel like bothering people.”

I’ve written about my own seasonal tendency toward a downward spiral in “Depression’s Early Warning System” and “Help to Make it Through the Night.” My sleep cycle gets out of whack, I perceive simple exercise to be much more daunting than it actually is, and I’m less inclined to socialize.

Habit and Neuroscience

Two things keep me doing what’s good for me in the absence of tangible reward. Habit and neuroscience. I’ve made a conscious effort to form habits around sleep, taking walks, and scheduling social connection because neuroscience tells me how and why they’re so beneficial.   

Korb’s neuroscience does a good job calling out the culprits of depression. “The prefrontal cortex worries too much, and the emotional limbic system is too reactive. The insula makes things feel worse, and the anterior cingulate isn’t helping by focusing on the negative. On top of that, the prefrontal cortex has a hard time inhibiting the bad habits of the dorsal striatum and nucleus accumbens. Depression is so hard to overcome because each circuit pulls the others downward.” 

Ironically, it’s understanding why what I’m doing isn’t making me feel better that helps me stick with it…until I feel better.  

The Upward Spiral

Korb writes, “It turns out that positive life changes actually cause positive neural changes—in the brain’s electrical activity, its chemical composition, even its ability to produce new neurons. These brain changes alter the tuning of your brain’s circuitry and lead to further positive life changes. For example, exercise changes the electrical activity in your brain during sleep, which then reduces anxiety, improves mood, and gives you more energy to exercise. Similarly, expressing gratitude activates serotonin production, which improves your mood and allows you to overcome bad habits, giving you more to be grateful for. Any tiny change can be just the push your brain needs to start spiraling upward.”

Ten Minute Exercise

In the Upward Spiral section of the book, Korb offers enough scientific information on the effects of each small change (or well-being practice) to give you faith in trying it.

Since most can be achieved with little effort, read through these small changes and decide which you’d like to try first.

Choose a Small Change  

The circuits that allow us to plan and solve problems when we’re not depressed are the same ones that lead to anxiety and worry when we are. The simple act of making a decision, any decision, makes things begin to feel more manageable.

None of these small changes are silver bullets for depression, so there’s no need to worry about choosing the perfect small change to make. 

Soak Up Some Sun 

Getting at least a few minutes of mid-day sunshine helps boost the production of serotonin, which improves willpower, motivation, and mood. It also improves the release of melatonin, which helps regulate your circadian rhythm and improves sleep, which improves just about everything.   

When I mentioned my seasonal (winter) malaise to a friend, he loaned me his light therapy lamp, and the tiny amount of faith I had in it based on hearsay from folks who use them overrode the doubt I had in trying it. I needed only enough willpower to carry it home, set it up, and plug it in. I noticed enough improvement in my energy and sleep cycle to give me faith to buy my own. Stay tuned.

Move Your Body

I have faith without doubt that moving my body is my most effective tool for battling depression. It helps with energy levels, makes decision making easier, reduces stress, and I’ll be devoting a separate post to the laundry list of other well-being benefits soon.  

Notice that I didn’t use the word exercise. I do a few minutes of push-ups, sit-ups, and stretches every morning that I consider exercise, but, perhaps based on how much my gym clothes stank when I’d forget to bring them home to launder on weekends, I still think of exercise as a duty rather than a pleasure. 

By contrast, for most of the year, I enjoy my daily outdoor walks, which is a way to get exercise without thinking of it as exercise. Only when it’s cold and rainy do I think of walking as exercise. 

Over the last several months, I’ve also added Qigong/Tai Chi to move different parts of my body than I move during my walks.

Sleep

I wrote about the importance of (and tips for) sleeping better in “7 Shocking Links Between Sleep and Depression.” 

Breathe

This one is so basic that you don’t have to decide to do it. But, if you decide to breathe to alter energy and mood, remember that breathing slowly and lengthening exhales reduces anxiety. Sharper inhales and faster breathing increase energy.

Biofeedback

I had one of my biggest a-ha/duh moments when Korb explained that while we might need a biofeedback device to understand our respiration, heart-rate, etc. our brain doesn’t. Monitoring these things is literally what our brain does for a living. A-ha! Duh!

Given that, here are some biofeedback techniques he recommends.  

Splashing cold water on your face quickly calms you down. 

Want to improve your mood? Try singing along with your favorite playlist, smiling, or laughing. The brain doesn’t distinguish between real and fake laughter. (I guess that explains how the laugh tracks on old sitcoms tricked me into thinking that the shows were actually funny.)

Wearing sunglasses can prevent squinting, which keeps our brow from furrowing, which tricks our brain into thinking we’re slightly upset. (I suspect that this has to be balanced with getting enough sunlight.) Other tips include relaxing your jaw if you store tension there, or clenching and deliberately relaxing muscles.

Spend Time with Others

Though I can and do meditate and practice Qigong/Tai Chi on my own, there’s a benefit to spending time with other people. This reduces pain, anxiety, and stress, and improves mood.

Conversations with friends and family are great, but if you’re really not up for it, scheduling time to engage in a shared weekly activity with others is small change. 

If all you’re up for is surfing the web or drinking a cup of coffee, doing it at a library or coffee shop can be beneficial.  

Gratitude

According to Korb, one of the best things about gratitude is that the more hopeless you feel, the better it works. It also greases those social dopamine circuits to make interactions with others more pleasant.

 My two favorite techniques for working with gratitude are three good things and finding silver linings.

Other Small Change

Developing positive habits or breaking negative ones is also helpful, but I’ll save some habit tips and tricks for another post.

And seeing a therapist can help you pinpoint areas to work and a wider range of therapies when the small changes aren’t enough.    

Bonus Exercise:

Alex Korb’s TedX Talk “Simple Steps for Strengthening Your Brain’s Circuits of Resilience” clocks in at under 10 minutes.

Depression’s Early Warning System

“Depression is not who you are–it involves a conditioned habit that your brain has learned and that your brain can unlearn.”–Elisha Goldstein, Uncovering Happiness

depression sloth
Five Hindrances to Mental Health

The authors of the original mindfulness manual suggested five mental hindrances (temporary mind states that hindered mental health) long before the idea of mental disorders existed in the West.

The five they came up with were addiction to sense pleasures, hatred or ill will, restlessness and worry, doubt, and the one I find most challenging during the shortest days of the year: sloth and torpor.

Sloth and Torpor

Sloth is the reluctance to work or make an effort. 

Torpor is a state of physical or mental inactivity, sluggishness or apathy.

Since I first began practicing mindfulness of the hindrances, I’ve paid a lot of attention to what brings them on.  

The Hindrance Protocol

Simply put, the protocol for working with the hindrances is to notice when they’re present and when they’re not present, notice how they arise and how they disappear, and, as a serious stretch goal, how once they disappear, they don’t arise again (at least not as often) in the future.

In Uncovering Happiness, Elisha Goldstein writes about the depression loop in much the same way. “The first step in uncovering happiness and experiencing freedom from the depression loop is learning how to objectively see the loop in action instead of getting lost in it.”

He compares a depression loop to a traffic circle fed by four access points: thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors.  

When Sloth and Torpor are Present

One way that sloth and torpor might serve as an on-ramp for a depression loop is through my reluctance to make the effort to follow my usual wellness regimen (sloth) out of apathy (torpor). 

Given the vital role exercise plays in promoting well-being, I set a daily intention of walking 10,000 steps, which I track with my pedometer.

Here’s how that intention is impacted when sloth and torpor are present.

Physical sensations: There’s a physical sensation of being weighed down. It’s like I’m carrying a child on my shoulders so they can watch a parade, only I’m not getting the positive reinforcement of their enthusiastic responses to the spectacle. 

Thoughts: I do mental simulations of various rainy walking routes, all of them have negative features like mud or submerged sidewalks. I imagine water seeping in through my shoes, deep puddles at corners that I can’t get around without risking my life by stepping out into traffic. Before I can mentally map a route of sufficient distance, the obstacles become insurmountable and the simulation ceases. The physical and psychological benefits seem entirely hypothetical.

Emotions: The voice in my head is judging me, calling me lazy and weak, lacking in character and grit. It feels shameful.  

Behaviors: I’m more likely to check the radar and weather forecast looking for an opportunity to reschedule the activity.

When Sloth and Torpor Are Absent

Behaviors: I check the weather, put on the appropriate clothing, and step outside.

Thoughts: No advance route planning is necessary unless there’s a specific errand to run. 

Emotions: General amusement at squirrel, bird, or crow activity, positivity resonance from seeing fellow pedestrians and dogs.  

Physical sensations: It feels good to be moving. 

How Not Yet Arisen, Sloth and Torpor Arise

Behaviors: Lack of a solid stretch of sleep the night before. This can turn into a cycle if I give in to taking a nap to “catch up” on my sleep.

Physical Sensations: An early production of melatonin due to the muted daylight and early sunset produces a weighty sluggishness.

Thoughts: Traditionally, two kinds of thought are associated with the onset of sloth and torpor. One occurs when there are unresolved conflicts in my life that I contemplate but never work through. This is the same kind of dead-end thinking as unsuccessfully simulating a walking route. It eats up energy, but there’s no renewal from a sense of accomplishment. It’s spinning my wheels.

The second kind would be continually looping back to rationalizations like, “But I’m too tired” or “I’ll do it later.”

Overestimation of the effort required to put on rain gear is another contributing thought.

Emotions: Free-floating resentment or frustration about the shortness of daylight, cloud cover of an already weak sun, a vague sense of injustice about it raining too many days in a row, or before my clothes actually dry from the previous day’s walk.

How Once Arisen, Sloth and Torpor are Abandoned

Thoughts: A rationalization process goes on where I bargain with myself to merely dress for the weather and step outside without a commitment to meet my step count. It also helps if there’s someplace I need to be or an errand I need to run. Then I can combine the task with that objective. 

Emotions: My partner is on the same page as I am as far as walking for fitness goes. It helps to arrange a time when we can walk together to engage in agreeable conversation and take our minds off the weather. 

Behaviors: Setting a time to walk, dressing for the weather, and stepping out the door.

Physical Sensations: Usually some pleasant sensations will kick in if I can manage to get in motion. They may not be as pleasant as they usually are, but once I’m out and moving I acclimate to the damp and/or cold. Once begun, it’s easier to complete the steps, or at least get a decent number, than to return and get out of the rain gear.

How Once Abandoned, Sloth and Torpor Do Not Arise Again

Okay, I’m still struggling with sloth and torpor. I haven’t kicked it, but the more aware I am of the thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and behaviors that accompany the hindrance, the more quickly I begin to engage with one of the strategies to overcome it. Writing this post is actually a strong, positive step in strengthening an early warning system before my habitual reactions can take hold.

Ten Minute Exercise

Goldstein recommends keeping a diary of depression cues. Since both the hindrances and depression loops become more challenging once they set habitual reactions in motion, it’s helpful to practice noting our thoughts, emotions, sensations, and behaviors, and selecting appropriate coping strategies in advance when we’re not under their distorting influence.

1. Set an alarm on your phone, computer or other timer to ping you two or more times a day when you’ll be free to pause for a minute or two (or five. You can divide the ten minutes by the number of pings accordingly.)

2. Take a few breaths to check in with yourself and write a brief description of your current thoughts, emotions, any physical sensations that you notice, and the behavior you were engaged in at the time you were pinged.

3. Note whether any hindrances or depression cues are present, absent, or arising.

4. Keep this document with you so that you can add thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and behaviors that coincide with hindrances and depression cues.

Starting and keeping such a document will help you recognize that a hindrance that seems permanent (once you’re inside it) is actually changing all the time. Developing curiosity about those changes gives you greater freedom when they arise.

Bibliotherapy: a Novel Cure

If your depression seems resistant to the usual therapies, Ella Berthoud and Susan Elderkin may have a novel cure for you: bibliotherapy.

Bibliotherapy
Reading as Therapy

Reading has been shown to put our brains into a pleasurable trance-like state, similar to meditation, and it brings the same health benefits of deep relaxation and inner calm,” wrote Ceridwen Dovey in her New Yorker article “Can Reading Make You Happier?” 

“Regular readers sleep better, have lower stress levels, higher self-esteem, and lower rates of depression than non-readers.”

Enter the Bibliotherapist

Bibliotherapy, as offered through The School of Life, is not unlike any first session with a therapist.

Patients answer questions about their reading habits and “What is preoccupying you at the moment?”

The bibliotherapy session can take place in-person (in London) or via phone or skype.

Patients receive an instant prescription, and a full prescription follows within a couple of days.

Bibliotherapy by the Book

As therapies go, $140 is a bargain for many, many hours of reading “books that can put their finger on feelings that you may often have had but perhaps never understood so clearly before; books that open new perspectives and re-enchant the world for you.”

But, if circumstances prevent you from scheduling an appointment at this time, try Mss. Berthoud and Elderkin’s book, The Novel Cure: From Abandonment to Zestlessness: 751 Books to Cure What Ails You.

Method of Treatment

Each human condition listed prescribes a novel title or several. There’s a brief description of common aspects of the condition, then a brief description of how the title relates,  and, finally, a summary of the novel’s active ingredients.     

“Sometimes it’s the story that charms; other times it’s the rhythm of the prose that works on the psyche, stilling or stimulating. Sometimes it’s an idea or an attitude suggested by a character in a similar quandary or jam. Either way, novels have the power to transport you to another existence and see the world from a different point of view.”

Ten Minute Exercise

Each book’s entry is concise enough to help you make an informed decision about whether the prescribed novel is right for you in ten minutes or less.

If you’d like to give bibliotherapy a test drive, I’ve quoted from the authors’ active ingredients for prescriptions related to common depression challenges. 

1. Choose a prescription for a current depression challenge. 

2. Pick prescription up at your local library or order it for online delivery. 

I’ve been in a funk all day.

SADNESS

The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B by J.P. Donleavy

“If you are sad, immerse yourself in the warm, tender humor of this novel. To begin the long, slow uplift out of sadness that it effects.”

Also see: DISSATISFACTION; GRUMPINESS; MALAISE, TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY

The things I usually do for fun just aren’t fun anymore.

DISENCHANTMENT

Le Grand Meaulnes by Alain-Fournier

“Meaulnes’s tragedy is that when he finds happiness he can’t embrace it. His sense of identity is too firmly bound up with yearning, and he needs the dream to remain a dream. But we can live differently.”

Also see: APATHY; POINTLESSNESS; STAGNATION, MENTAL

I can’t seem to stop losing weight.

APPETITE, LOSS OF 

The Leopard by Giuseppe Tomasi Di Lampedusa 

“One cannot help but revel in the old patriarch’s appreciation for the sensual world. This is a novel that will help you rediscover your appetite—for food, for love, for the countryside, for Sicily with all its history and rampant beauty. And, most important, for life itself.”

I can’t seem to stop gaining weight.

OBESITY

“If you’re overweight because you’re unhappy, don’t padlock the fridge or put yourself on a rigid diet; the diet will fail and you’ll only make yourself unhappier still. Try to discover why you are seeking consolation—this book may give you some ideas (for starters, try: Stuck in a rut, or Career, being in the wrong). Once you’ve ironed out your relationship with yourself, your relationship with food will self-correct.”

STUCK IN A RUT

The Imperfectionists by Tom Rachman

“Long before you’ve reached the travails of Winston Cheung, the paper’s barely competent, barely employed Cairo stringer, you will find yourself resolving to avoid their fate, unstick yourself, and get a move on.”

CAREER, BEING IN THE WRONG

The Sisters Brothers by Patrick DeWitt

“If you, too, could find a way of earning money that brought you spiritual as well as financial rewards—and allowed you to spend your days full of joy—what would it be?”

I can’t get to sleep. I’m constantly on edge.

INSOMNIA

The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa 

“Nowhere in literature are the rhythms of prose more attuned to the lumbering gait of the sleepless hours. If your eyelids start to droop as you read, Soares won’t mind. You can pick up your conversation with him, wherever you left off, tomorrow night.”

ANXIETY

The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James 

“Of the fourteen causes of anxiety that we have identified, the first chapter…can be expected to ameliorate ten.”

Also see: AGORAPHOBIA; ANGST, EXISTENTIAL; IRRITABILITY; PANIC ATTACK; STRESS

I sleep all the time. I have no energy.

BED, THE INABILITY TO GET OUT OF

Bed by David Whitehouse. 

“Read it once, and then during subsequent attacks of the condition you will need only a brief dip to send you leaping out from under your duvet and thence into anything other than the small suburban bedroom and freak show of a life depicted within its pages.”

EXHAUSTION

Zorba the Greek by Nikos Kazantzakis 

“What we love most about this archetype of energy is his apparently limitless ability to throw himself wholeheartedly into the next project, frequently picking himself up off the floor (when by all rights he should sleep for a week) and dancing himself back to life.”

LETHARGY 

I’m a worthless piece of crap.

SELF-ESTEEM, LOW

Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier

“If you subject yourself to constant criticism, undermining your belief in yourself and your own opinions, you’ll recognize a kindred spirit in the nameless narrator.”

See also: IDIOT, FEELING LIKE A; HOPE, LOSS OF; SHAME

I’m the meanest, most insensitive person who’s ever walked this planet.

MISANTHROPY

The Holy Sinner by Thomas Mann

“If, like Gregory, you tend to stand apart from humanity, despising what you see, consider whether your hatred isn’t in fact hatred of yourself. Adopt, like Gregory, the expression Absolvo te—“I forgive you”—and turn it inward. Once you’ve learned to love yourself, you’ll find it easier to forgive others’ failings as well.”

Also see: ANGER; ANTISOCIAL, BEING: CYNICISM; EMPATHY, LACK OF; SCHADENFREUDE

My attention span is zero seconds, and I can’t decide what to eat for lunch, let alone what to do with my life.

INDECISION

Indecision by Benjamin Kunkel

“Dwight Wilmerding, the twenty-eight-year-old slacker hero…finds that he can’t ‘think of the future until [he’s] arrived there—a quality shared by many indecisive types.”

RISKS, NOT TAKING ENOUGH

The Sense of and Ending by Julian Barnes

“As he sits alone in his poky, aging bachelor lair, he occupies his idle hours with meaningless tasks: ‘I restrung my blind, descaled the kettle, mended the split in an old pair of jeans.’ Too late, he finds himself ‘in revolt against my own . . . what? Conventionality, lack of imagination, expectation of disappointment?’ At least, he comforts himself, ‘I still have my own teeth.'”

Also see: COMMITMENT, FEAR OF 

I’m always thinking about death.

DEATH, FEAR OF

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez 

“As the novel spans a full century, death occurs often and matter-of-factly and the characters accept their part in the natural order of things—an attitude that, in time, may rub off on you.”

DEATH OF A LOVED ONE

Recommendations follow Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief.

DENIAL

After You’d Gone by Maggie O’Farrell

“Let this novel give you permission to exist for a while in your own cocoon of shock. Don’t worry if you can’t seem to persuade yourself to come out of it; your body will shed the cocoon when it’s ready.”

ANGER

Incendiary by Chris Cleave

“Your anger may feel endless—and so it should, for it is the transmutation of your love. But it can dissipate only if you let it out. This stage cannot be rushed.”

BARGAINING

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

“Oskar finds…an understanding of suffering and loss from the lives of his grandparents before he was born and, in a touch that will help to rewarm your heart, the desire for a grief-stricken but loving mother to help her son recover from his enormous loss.”

DEPRESSION

What I Loved by Siri Hustvedt

“Pain is an unavoidable part of life, and experiencing yours in the company of these characters will help you inhabit its darkest corners—perhaps the most vital part of the process of grieving, if you have any hope of moving on.”

ACCEPTANCE

Here is Where We Meet by John Berger

“So it is that, further along in our mourning process (though the process never ends), we come to see our lost loved ones as they really were, the good and the bad together.”